The psychological state of the victims along the whole process …. From calling the police to getting to court, how the psychological trauma is being taken into consideration and proved in court and the kids and how they are or aren’t considered victims in these cases.

What domestic violence …. Being hurt by a husband, a father, a mother or a wife …. does to someone on a deeper level.

Domestic Violence means people witnessing or experiencing traumatic event within the home environment, including physical attack, sexual assault, rape, emotional abuse, child abuse, financial exploitation, threat, fear and coercive control that is to get people to do what you want them to do by coercing and force. Due to factors such as social culture and constitutional condition, men are the perpetrators in most and victims are women and/or children. If women were the perpetrators, they often use emotional abuse of husband.

When people have a long history of being abused, they just don’t think they are able to resist the repeated abuse continues. They learned helplessness and they are really so helpless, hurtful and vulnerable. On one hand, they lost faith to people as those who are supposed to love them abusing them, eg., husband, father, rather than protecting them or caring them. On the other hand, they are self-blame because they have to identify with plenty of faulty thinking from the perpetrator for surviving and later on induced lots of cognitive distortions and unhelpful thinking styles. Most of the domestic violence victims blame themselves, “Why did I put myself in such a compromise position?” But the problem is not about that. It is about somebody is taking advantage of them and forcing them into doing something they did not want to do and often using force and violence. Most people just don’t understand why domestic violence victims don’t leave. It is awful at home. Of course, they don’t like the way they are being treated but they more concern whether their kids have a roof over their heads, whether their kids have a place to live, whether their kids have food to eat. They think that their kids seem to be doing okay. They don’t know “What happens if I leave… … Will he take my kids….? Will he kill my kids…? Will he kill my parents…? Will he kill me…?… etc., … He says he will. Yes, he will very possible to kill me.”

Even after the victims called the police, moved out of the home and separated with the perpetrators, the coercive control is not stopped. The perpetrators may conduct close surveillance and maintain stalking onto the victims. The amount of texting and email goes back and forth and the victims are still engaging in coercive control. It is especially difficult to protect them when they go into the custody situation. When people have a long history of abusing (ie. the perpetrators), they just don’t easily stop. They are accustomed to having power and control over the victims. They use all the opportunity to continue the coercive control. They can’t co-parenting and should keep them in place in my opinion. Plus the victims often suffered from “battered woman syndrome” which is characterized by intrusive memories and re-experienced prior abusing events, serious emotional problems including hypervigilance, anxiety, depression and cognitive confusion as well as disrupted interpersonal relationships, difficulties with body image and somatic problems and sexual and intimacy problems. Almost all aspects of functions are affected. That is the reason why victims become isolated and low self-esteem. That makes them even more vulnerable to be controlled continuously. Many of the manifestations even last lifelong especially left untreated and the perpetrators are truly the triggers for them (ie., the perpetrators are the reminders of some aspects of the actual traumatic events and they can evoke the release of victims’ traumatic memories).

What happens to kids in the middle of domestic violence? Many people always say “The children were not there.” Even mothers involved with domestic violence said, “I protected them. They did not hear it. They did not see it.” Children always are told nothing happening. They get confused. They do know there is something happening even if they don’t hear it, even if they don’t see it. They can feel the tension. Children are pretty sharp and smart. They are always affected emotionally, psychologically and by controlling behavior from the perpetrators. Therefore to define children’s experiences of domestic violence, it may be more accurately referred to as children being exposed to or experiencing domestic violence. Impacts on them include external behaviors (such as aggression, disobedience, substance abuse, and self-injurious behaviors), problematic emotions (like depression, anger, fear, anxiety, low self-esteem and so forth), cognitive and developmental delays (such as learning difficulties and depleted verbal fluency). These are easier to observe. But also there is an impact that is happening in a subtle way and hard to find out. For example, some children become over-parentified because they never know if they are waking up or coming home to a calm or chaotic situation so that many of them become so extra-sensitive to cues in their environment that they stop behaving like a child and begin to take care of their parents. By doing it, they can reduce tension. The over-parentified children are always nervous and try hard to keep things calm and stable as best as they can. Some of these children choose not to marry and some end up as battered women in their own homes caring for dependent men who cannot take care of themselves. The biggest impact of kids is that there is no parental/material barrier to protect them from violence/loss – if mother/father cannot protect them then no one else will.

Most child abuse experts agree that the next generation of perpetrators will come from those who have been abused themselves. Such children often end up never feeling safe. This is due to the fact that it is usually the mother that is violated/abused and if she cannot protect herself then she cannot protect the child. A child loses a primary sense of feeling protected and safe in the world. If the father is the one abused then the image of maleness is tarnished (ie., men are often perceived by the child as weak and victims).

As a result, in domestic violence cases, there is not a point or reason not to consider children as victims while mother experiencing traumatic events. A detailed and comprehensive assessment of all victims should be completed by experienced trauma professionals in order to prove to the court the full perspective of cases.